It feels like centuries since I last wrote. It might have well been, and a lot has happened since. All to say, life seldom goes as planned, and yet it goes, keeps going I mean. So as long as Im still breathing, Im still fighting.
Funny anecdote: a wise woman said to me as I told her all my energies and hopes were put on January 17th: the day of my appointment with the ¨top of the line¨ surgeon in the ¨top of the line¨ eye hospital in Miami…
*(Just for the record, I don´t use these “top of the line” derogatively, or even worse to boast of some supremely unparalleled quality ( because I know who my true healer is!!), I use these matter-of-factly since everyone and everything keeps reminding me of their qualifications, ratings, success rate etc.)
…so the funny story continues: This wise woman recommended I “let go, and let God” on that fixation with the upcoming appointment date, with the surgery and all the eye-related conundrum that had become my life lately. She invited me to enjoy my toDAY and joked “for all you know, there could be an earthquake tomorrow and your appointment never happens”. Unlikely, I thought (although El Salvador lies right on the San Andreas fault).
Boy was I wrong….it came a few hours later.
The plot thickens, the hypothetical earthquake
I leave this wise friend, and go off christmas shopping for a secret friend present. In between dashing silver ribbons, snowflake appliques and glittery ornaments (aka Portico Real in full christmas decoration mode) I get the call: my gynecologist. She never calls, she´s the kind of doctor you call several times before you can reach her! (It couldn´t be good, unlikely a christmas message).
She mentions last week´s Pap showed irregularities etc. I don’t really understand the lingo so I cut her off and ask bluntly: ´Is it cancer?´ She says surprised, “NO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DEAR? Come to the clinic tomorrow and we shall talk”. (Nothing is wrong with me, but hey, I went partially blind from one day to another in Africa, what are the chances of that? Im sure lower than cancer, so it’s a valid question!).
I hang up and keep on christmas shopping settling for a pair of red wooden cardinals and a crystal candle holder that I picture would look beautiful over a window seal. (Now I wish I was shopping for me.) I´ve since learned red cardinals are a sign of endurance, passion and strength. No wonder I was so drawn to them that very day.
Now christmas has come and gone, the precancerous uterine cells that were found, and confirmed, seem to have been controlled (frozen?) and after much poking and prodding, pain and appointments (not eye related for a change) I seem to have beat that unforeseen giant too, and various others that have since tried to walk into my life.
So to my wise friend: you were right, I can now see what you meant by ¨let go¨ of what I can´t control (I’m also working on the “let God” ;). Life does surprise you, good and bad, announced or unannounced, life will come with all its force and I will embrace whatever comes, taking the time to enjoy the process, live out my toDAY, and breath in and out as I continue to walk in faith.
So despite my thickened storm in December, I believe in better days, in a healed body, in full restoration, in living out God´s amazing promises and purposes for my life. I believe, no matter what continues to hit me, I will seek out the strength to fight the giants as they come. Although I´m no young David (and the Goliaths in my life are real) my Lord is the same today. For it isn’t the size of my giant but the size of my faith and strength through him!
So, I´ll end this entry with uplifting January news: I am in Miami. Have been to see Mr. Surgeon and although he hasn’t yet cleared me for the corneal transplant (now January 17th has come and gone), with medication and treatment, I will likely get it in three months. And we have a set OR date for April 17th!!! Woooohooo! And this time, I will not fret (as much) as the day arrives-because again, all is possible.
So I´ll do my part (medicines and eye rest) and embrace the unexpected, with a smile and a million grains of hope, knowing that despite unforeseen hypothetical earthquakes that could come (lets hope for tremors instead, or calm seas even better), the best is yet to come!!!!!!
And because I have one day off in Miami before heading home, I still get to go shopping. Red cardinal decorations, perhaps? 😉
With love, faith and absolute gratitude for being alive today,