´The devil is in the details´ some say. This couldn’t be truer in my life today. All this to say, the last days have had their own struggles. Nothing major, that´s what’s interesting! No random disease that strikes from nowhere anymore. In fact, it’s the little everyday complexities of trying to do it all (part-timer at work, mum, wife, daughter, part-taker in the holiday cheer, etc., etc.), in other words, trying to live life as it used to be before all this happened, that’s got me all tangled in a knot!
So my health has been better than it´s been in months –my doctor expressed he saw a “considerable improvement” on my corneal tissue from my last visit and even cleared me to go back to work for a couple hours a day! (Hurray for small wins!) Yet I have struggled in every other way.
As much as I hate to admit it (as a perpetual perfectionist) and would love to say I have thrived- maybe some days I might have-, but most days I´ve mostly survived.
There are a number of things that have taken over: First, trying to ´do it all´ has come at an enormous price: being permanently exhausted. To try and make it back to work, to stay socially active in my kids many many many Christmas events (why do I keep saying yes?), trying to be emotionally available for others (because as I go through this the world keeps spinning, life continues happening and people around me demand some attention too) and avoid becoming completely self-absorbed or bursting randomly into tears hasn’t come easy.
And there´s one more thing. As I reach the date I have to see the surgeon in the Miami hospital (January 17th), I´m starting to panic, big time! Of course, if you think it rationally, there is nothing else to lose and much to win. I’m currently completely blind on the left eye, so if they would clear me for a corneal transplant and I gain some vision, it’s an improvement from now! And yet I’m still somewhat scared, I think of the pain, of being in pain again (seriously, after the kind of pain I experience in Africa, pain-and the fear of it- still has serious power over me!)
I have to admit that almost every day my husband assures me it will be ok, and yet, I still feel and fear.
So why on earth am I saying all of this? You might think-´I thought this was a positive blog´. Stay with me, I’m getting there.
I´m still learning that to stay in faith isn’t all about being fearless, or being always happy and cheerful, and never tired and discouraged. In my case, I gain more from being real and acknowledging my true mind state and emotions (not the prettiest lately) than by hiding it. I gain more from embracing the fact that I am facing fear, pain (emotional and physical), and that I am almost perpetually tired.
For me, I must continue to stay in faith DESPITE and IN SPITE of bad days and setbacks. To acknowledge fear and discouragement (accepting, for example, the fact that I’m going crazy about not being able to drive myself anywhere!) helps me move past it. Writing about it brings it to the forefront and then, it no longer has power over me. Shedding a light on real emotions, continues to gives me control over them and helps me move forward. I have found that giving my feelings a voice is truly liberating, even if it isn’t always pretty.
But then again, what´s more beautiful than being real? (Insert Dove commercial here! 😉
In love and faith,
PS. Picture taken on very real day, with a very real daughter. It´s now become so freeing to show all my sick eye, my very very real battle scar, one I gladly and PROUDLY survived.